The Advice from A Parent Which Rescued Me as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was just trying to survive for a year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the demands of fatherhood.

However the truth rapidly proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her main carer while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You need some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now better used to talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a broader failure to talk amongst men, who still hold onto negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a show of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days overseas, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their issues, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are through this experience."