Evening Personalities Target Trump's New 'Gold Card' Immigration Program

Television's top comedians devoted the airtime ridiculing former President Donald Trump's just launched immigration program, called the "Trump card," portraying it as a clear pay-to-play arrangement for the rich.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, and then giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "Trump ... spoils all he handles."

The focus was the new program which permits international nationals to acquire U.S. legal status for an investment of a million dollars, with a "top-tier" version for 5 million. An official portal pledges processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief note here to rich applicants: before you pony up, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the scheme is also meant to "get cash" from businesses wishing to hire skilled workers, with large payments. "That is a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"The best vetting the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these individuals truly qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow rich overseas citizens to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your choosing."

"It might be time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Affordability Concerns

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping poll ratings amid financial concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he explained.

This week, in a attempt to address affordability, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a array of food items, where he behaved peculiarly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so extremely weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative media defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps instead of complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.