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As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.